ADHD, Oversharing, and Mom Guilt With Lacey [Video]

By Understood

Lacey has ADHD, and so does her daughter. But their ADHD shows up differently. Lacey is more hyperactive, while her daughter is more on the inattentive side. Lacey shares how her daughter’s evaluation shed light on her own ADHD challenges.

Lacey and host Laura Key have a funny conversation about oversharing intimate life details. And they talk about the guilt some moms with ADHD feel.

To find a transcript for this episode and more resources, visit the episode page at Understood. https://www.understood.org/podcast/ad…

We love hearing from our listeners. Email us at ADHDAha@understood.org.

Understood is a nonprofit and social impact organization dedicated to shaping a world where the 1 in 5 people who learn and think differently can thrive. Learn more about “ADHD Aha!” and all our podcasts at u.org/podcasts.

Copyright © 2022 Understood for All, Inc. All rights reserved. Understood is not affiliated with any pharmaceutical company.

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

0:00
my
0:01
daughter was
0:02
actually
0:03
diagnosed with adhd through
0:06
some evaluations with her school
0:08
teachers and her primary care doctor
0:11
we decided that she was going to be put
0:13
on medication for it as well and going
0:16
through that entire process with the
0:18
evaluation and the questions that they
0:20
were asking
0:21
i
0:22
slowly started to realize that i had a
0:25
lot of those traits and i knew i needed
0:28
to get myself evaluated
0:34
from the understood podcast network this
0:36
is adhd aha a podcast where people share
0:39
the moment when it finally clicked that
0:41
they or someone they know has adhd
0:45
my name is laura key i’m the editorial
0:47
director here at understood and as
0:49
someone who’s had my own adhd aha moment
0:52
i’ll be your host
0:55
[Music]
0:58
i’m here today with lacey armstrong
1:00
lacey is the mother of three kids she
1:02
lives in south carolina and is a
1:04
marketing manager of the charlotte
1:05
soccer academy she also coaches two
1:07
teams has a daughter with adhd and has
1:10
adhd herself welcome lacey thank you
1:13
laura i’m so excited to be here tell me
1:15
what it was like for
1:17
candace to go through the evaluation
1:19
process and what that brought up for you
1:22
yeah so it was super interesting it was
1:25
also
1:27
really hard and difficult to deal with
1:28
but she was having a lot of issues in
1:31
grade school as far as reading and
1:33
paying attention forgetting everything
1:35
and so for years we worked with her
1:37
teachers on doing just some behavior
1:39
modification things extra checklists
1:42
sitting in front of the class her
1:44
teachers would give her extra time on
1:46
tests and when we really realized that
1:48
it was not working and we were having
1:50
her evaluated with her primary doctor
1:52
adhd came into the picture and so we
1:55
realized that yeah she was diagnosed
1:57
with adhd i mean it was multiple visits
2:00
people think oh you just got diagnosed
2:01
no it was like multiple visits to
2:03
doctors multiple things that the
2:05
teachers had to
2:06
fill out and give to the doctors to let
2:09
them know what they were experiencing in
2:11
the classroom as far as
2:13
her attention span and her being able to
2:16
finish tasks without having to be told
2:18
multiple times we filled out this
2:20
questionnaire and she like answered hi
2:23
in almost every category except the
2:24
hyper activity she had no problem
2:27
sitting in a chair like she could sit in
2:29
a chair but she was not listening to you
2:32
so she got diagnosed and we started her
2:34
on a medication regimen
2:36
for those listening there are three
2:38
different types of adhd there’s adhd
2:40
that’s predominantly hyperactive and
2:42
impulsive presentation there’s adhd that
2:45
is predominantly inattentive
2:47
presentation it sounds like that’s
2:48
candace right yep exactly and then the
2:50
third one is adhd combined presentation
2:53
but that second one that predominantly
2:55
inattentive presentation is what people
2:57
often refer to as 80d which add is adhd
3:01
it’s just it’s a subtype of adhd
3:03
so lacey you have adhd yes
3:07
so going through those questions with
3:09
candace i started realizing these
3:11
questions that maybe she wasn’t
3:13
answering as far as the fidgeting goes
3:15
and the feeling like you’re on a motor
3:17
and you’re constantly on the go
3:20
maybe she answered those no she wasn’t
3:22
like that i was though a hundred percent
3:24
but then you also have to add in i also
3:27
lose things all the time i start a task
3:29
before i finish the other one i have to
3:32
be reminded of what i’m doing constantly
3:34
i get hyper fixated on certain hobbies
3:38
so as we’re going through this
3:39
questionnaire with her doctors i was
3:41
like oh my gosh i feel like my world is
3:43
just kind of
3:45
opening up and i’m understanding myself
3:47
and when the doctors even ask they’re
3:48
like is anyone in your family adhd or
3:51
add and i was like i probably am i don’t
3:54
know i’ve never been diagnosed
3:56
yeah so like shortly after getting her
3:58
diagnosed i got sent to a psychiatrist
4:00
who in 2019 diagnosed me with the third
4:04
the one that you described about the
4:06
combined adhd what did that process feel
4:08
like to you did you have doubts were you
4:11
relieved tell me how you felt i was
4:13
shocked because
4:15
one i felt like everything was making
4:17
sense for once in my life
4:20
everyone would say how do you do
4:21
everything that you do and it’s not that
4:23
i felt like i never had a choice it was
4:25
like just a like
4:26
physical impulse to be everywhere do
4:29
everything
4:30
run on a motor and so when i’m sitting
4:32
down there with the psychiatrist that’s
4:34
going over these questions with me and
4:36
asking me all sorts of wild things
4:39
pertaining to how i grew up and my
4:41
childhood
4:42
everything was making sense
4:44
tell me about growing up like what kinds
4:46
of things were coming into place for you
4:48
i was a person that was involved in
4:49
every sport possible everything that i
4:52
could compete in swimming lacrosse
4:54
soccer anything that i could do but then
4:57
also on top of that i was doing chess
4:59
club chorus band anything that i could
5:02
learn and challenge myself now i might
5:04
not be really good at all of those
5:05
things but i get hyper fixated and i’d
5:08
want to do all those things also if i
5:10
wasn’t challenged in school i was not
5:12
paying attention and i was on to the
5:13
next thing which is for me it was i
5:16
figured that adhd people are it’s not
5:18
that they’re not smart and it’s not that
5:20
they can’t finish tasks because if
5:22
they’re not challenged which i had a lot
5:24
of i was in gt classes high level if
5:26
you’re not challenged you get bored and
5:28
you tune everything out and that’s why
5:30
you get bad grades also doing homework
5:32
i’m not going to do it i’m not doing
5:34
homework i don’t want to do it
5:36
totally adhd has nothing to do with
5:38
intelligence you know it’s not a mark of
5:40
whether or not you’re quote unquote
5:42
smart or not smart it’s about those
5:44
executive functioning skills and like
5:45
task management exactly and i i was like
5:48
everything i did growing up was directly
5:51
related to is this going to give me
5:52
enjoyment right now
5:54
and if it’s not i’m not doing it and if
5:56
i want to break rules i’m going to break
5:58
rules if i don’t want to listen to this
5:59
person i’m not going to like i was like
6:01
oh my goodness it wasn’t that i was a
6:03
bad kid
6:05
it was just i didn’t have anything to
6:07
help me with my adhd
6:09
besides sports sports really really
6:11
helped me and if i didn’t have sports i
6:13
don’t even know where i would be right
6:14
now totally i was a hardcore volleyball
6:17
and basketball player growing up i
6:18
didn’t get diagnosed until i was 30 and
6:20
sports i mean looking back and like what
6:22
would i have done had it not been for
6:23
sports yeah
6:25
yeah and it’s perfect for adhd people
6:28
because the competition you have to be
6:30
the best
6:31
i feel like that’s pretty common
6:33
in that physical exertion just to get
6:36
your brain going your dopamine going you
6:38
know endorphins anything to get that
6:41
naturally
6:42
[Music]
6:49
looking back i realized that i
6:52
didn’t have a lot of friends like i
6:54
didn’t have many
6:56
close friends i always felt like kind of
6:58
an outsider and i’ve talked to a lot of
7:01
adhd people that say that that’s very
7:03
common for them i just i felt like i
7:05
never
7:06
got along with people or they didn’t
7:08
ever understand me
7:10
tell me more about that what is it that
7:12
you think was causing that or what do
7:13
you think they didn’t get
7:15
i don’t know i it could just be anxiety
7:17
overall but i just always felt like
7:21
i never fit in and i don’t know if it
7:23
was just my mind was constantly thinking
7:25
while people were talking to me so
7:27
i couldn’t
7:29
be in the moment that was something that
7:31
i found out later too it’s like someone
7:33
was talking to me but i could not pay
7:34
attention to what they were saying i was
7:35
listening to what was going on in the
7:36
background and i remember that was
7:38
getting worse and worse as i was getting
7:40
older i was like there’s got to be
7:41
something to stop that but i feel like
7:43
maybe me not fitting in was i never was
7:46
really in the moment my brain was just
7:48
constantly going
7:50
yeah i relate to that i was i had a high
7:52
school guidance counselor who i’m still
7:53
close with today she’s just a wonderful
7:55
woman
7:56
when i told her much later in life that
7:58
i have adhd she’s like you know laura i
8:00
remember this time
8:02
that we
8:03
were trying to like talk to you or
8:05
interview you for something and you were
8:07
running around because you couldn’t
8:08
figure out where you had left your
8:10
backpack and you were freaking out
8:12
because you didn’t know where your
8:12
backpack was and nobody could get you to
8:15
pay attention to them because you were
8:16
so hyper focused on finding your
8:18
backpack she’s one of those people who
8:20
achieved when she retells the story
8:21
she’ll tell it to you every single time
8:23
you talk to her
8:24
oh yes and she reminds me of that every
8:26
single time
8:28
to me it wasn’t noticeable but to her it
8:30
just stuck out that’s really funny you
8:32
say that about the backpack because if
8:34
i’m looking for something or i need to
8:35
do something and then you know my kids
8:37
are asking me things or my husband is
8:40
asking me things oh my gosh
8:42
i can’t i can’t focus right now okay
8:45
i feel like that came out of my mouth
8:47
exactly the way that you said it yes and
8:49
if there’s too much noise if there’s too
8:50
many people asking me too many questions
8:52
it’s like my temper just goes through
8:54
the roof it’s crazy and i’m like
8:56
now that i’m aware i tell my husband or
8:59
my kids i’m like hey guys i’m getting a
9:01
little overwhelmed
9:04
they’re like stop don’t talk to mom
9:07
good for you oh my god lacey i do the
9:09
exact same thing my kids are three and
9:11
five and they’re like mom’s getting
9:13
upset
9:16
like okay all right we’ll be quiet
9:18
oh just for one second i can’t even hear
9:20
myself think
9:21
i know and it’s poor things because like
9:23
my time that i get to spend with them is
9:24
after work obviously and when they’re
9:27
back from school in preschool and my
9:29
medication has worn off at that point so
9:30
it’s like i really have to like
9:32
reign it in if i’m gonna be honest
9:35
yes and not only you have to deal with
9:38
mom guilt because now you’re like i
9:40
really do want to spend time with them
9:42
and i really do want to hear about their
9:43
day and i do want to listen to their
9:44
little stories about whatever they want
9:46
to say
9:48
but a lot of adhd people
9:50
need that isolation when they get done
9:52
with work you can’t have any more
9:54
socializing it doesn’t matter if it’s
9:55
your kids your husband you need quiet
9:57
i’ll find myself like in the car and
9:59
it’s just quiet and i’m like oh this is
10:01
so nice because my brain just needs a
10:03
moment to transition
10:06
and i feel bad sometimes because i want
10:08
to talk to my kids but i’m like i can’t
10:10
do it i can’t mentally do it i know god
10:13
i’m going to stop saying how much i’m
10:14
relating to what you’re saying because
10:16
it’s going to sound like a broken record
10:17
but man like
10:19
i get so excited all day to see my kids
10:21
when they come home but that time when
10:22
they’re home and i’m finishing work i
10:23
just need to walk away and bless my
10:25
husband he’s amazing and he knows and
10:28
he helps out in that regard but yeah
10:30
it’s tricky yeah now is your husband
10:32
adhd or
10:34
neurodivergent in any way
10:37
no he’s just french
10:40
okay so blunt and just tells it like it
10:42
is
10:43
okay got it i can’t believe i just said
10:46
that see okay so like that’s a good
10:48
transition because i you’ve mentioned
10:50
before about over sharing yes okay
10:53
is this a new thing for you has this
10:55
been since you can remember tell me
10:57
about oversharing so
10:59
okay this is not a new thing but i’m
11:03
newly self-aware if you
11:05
will because
11:07
as i was diagnosed with adhd and my
11:09
daughter was diagnosed with adhd i
11:11
wanted to read and learn everything
11:14
there was available about adhd and
11:17
behavior modification behavior therapy
11:20
all kinds of things so as i’m reading
11:22
through material i’m starting to read
11:24
other people’s stories and there’s this
11:26
thing that adhd people do where they
11:28
just talk a lot because either it’s like
11:30
they’re just nervous or they don’t like
11:32
silence or they don’t want to you know
11:34
they just want to keep the conversation
11:35
going
11:36
so over sharing is a big characteristic
11:38
for adhd people at least for me it is
11:41
and i
11:43
now am so aware when i’m over sharing
11:45
that it’s like cringy i think about it
11:47
afterwards i’m like oh my gosh i’m like
11:50
why did i say all that that was not
11:52
needed i’ll tell you a story i was at
11:55
the soccer fields it was after one of
11:56
the games that i coached and i saw a
11:58
friend of mine from an old neighborhood
12:00
that i used to live in and we were just
12:02
chatting and it was just a normal chat
12:03
hey how are you you know casual
12:06
she was like how are the kids doing i
12:07
was like you know they’re great i said
12:09
but i think i think we’re done i think
12:10
we’re done and i’m getting an iud next
12:13
week and you know because well i wasn’t
12:15
going to get one you know a couple years
12:17
ago because you know i had the leap
12:18
procedures and i had like some stuff on
12:21
you know my cervix and i was just kept
12:22
going and going i was like okay when am
12:24
i gonna shut up because this is like way
12:27
like we’re talking about i wish you guys
12:29
got the kids and i’m like all of a
12:30
sudden now and we’re talking about my
12:31
cervix i’m like really like
12:33
does this need to be stated
12:37
i actually relate to that too but i’m
12:38
not going to explain why
12:41
okay
12:43
well first of all i think that more
12:44
people should be open about birth
12:46
control i’m just going to say that and
12:47
let it go to the side this is not a
12:49
podcast about birth control but okay so
12:51
that happened you get home what’s your
12:53
thought process like how do you treat
12:55
yourself after something like that
12:56
happens i usually replay the
12:58
conversation i’m like how did i get to
13:01
talking about that and i’m like why did
13:03
i does she think that that was crazy is
13:06
she like wow that was personal or i mean
13:09
i know her she’s probably like whatever
13:10
that’s fine but i constantly replay it
13:12
i’m like was that over sharing was that
13:15
what was that what why did i say that
13:17
i’m like oh that’s just my adhd so then
13:19
eventually i forget about it but
13:21
there’ll be a couple days of me just
13:23
dwelling on it and then i’ll tell my
13:25
husband and he laughs that he thinks
13:26
it’s hilarious he thinks all of my
13:28
oversharing stories are funny unless
13:30
it’s about him then he’s like why did
13:32
you do that like see no one is safe
13:34
[Laughter]
13:37
oh wow yeah so it’s it’s a lot of like
13:40
i’m mean to myself which i’m working on
13:43
and i’m working on therapy which is like
13:45
constantly you know i wouldn’t let my
13:47
kids be mean to themselves so i have to
13:49
treat myself with some kindness and some
13:51
grace but i’m aware of everything i say
13:55
now which is hard
13:57
yeah i almost liked being like ignorant
13:59
but
14:00
we’ve written on our website about adhd
14:02
and feelings of remorse and how that
14:05
feeling of remorse can be like you can
14:07
perseverate or get obsessed with feeling
14:09
bad about what you’ve done when you do
14:11
something that especially now you have
14:13
this self-awareness right which is
14:14
beautiful exactly you over shared you
14:16
maybe were a little bit impulsive and
14:17
sharing information
14:19
and then because you’re aware of it you
14:21
come home and you like you ruminate on
14:23
it right you spin yes and that can be
14:25
related to trouble with managing
14:27
emotions which is also part of adhd yes
14:30
absolutely can be a vicious cycle and i
14:32
want to control it i just can’t and so
14:35
what i feel like i need to do is give
14:37
myself more grace and understand
14:39
it’s okay to overshare and that’s who
14:42
you are i mean honestly i’m very
14:44
authentic i truly believe that but
14:47
sometimes i’m like people don’t always
14:49
appreciate your authentic self and have
14:51
you heard of masking where adhd people
14:53
mask who they are so that way they feel
14:56
accepted and maybe oh tying back into
14:58
how i said i felt like i didn’t belong
15:00
so i felt like i was constantly masking
15:02
i was trying to be relatable so now that
15:04
i’m trying to be my authentic self i’m
15:07
like okay that’s who i am i’m impulsive
15:10
as long as i’m not hurting anyone i
15:11
think that’s just who i am and i have to
15:13
learn to appreciate and love that about
15:15
myself and that maybe like you said we
15:17
do need to talk about birth control or
15:19
whatever we want to talk about you know
15:21
yeah first of all i bet people love that
15:23
about you one thing i love about adhd it
15:25
brings a lot of spice of life right
15:28
yes
15:30
hey it brought you here i’m grateful
15:32
that you’re here i am too and it really
15:34
is nice i mean you know you keep saying
15:36
that you relate to that but
15:37
for me it feels good to hear that
15:40
because then i know that i’m not alone
15:42
and that it’s not just a me thing and
15:44
that there are the people that feel
15:47
exactly how i feel i mean that feels
15:49
really good to be related to so we have
15:51
the numbers and we are powerful lacie
15:57
[Music]
16:04
i want to talk more about candace and i
16:05
want to hear about your relationship
16:07
with candace does she know that you have
16:09
adhd as well yes i remember telling her
16:12
that i was going to go get tested for
16:14
adhd as well and she was like you are
16:18
she was very excited for me and
16:20
i feel like we’ve been closer since i
16:23
was diagnosed and now we can both talk
16:25
about we’ve had medicine increases both
16:27
of us because i started on a very low
16:29
dose and it’s only been you know three
16:31
years and she started on a low dose
16:33
we’ve had medicine increases and
16:35
medicine isn’t
16:37
the end it’s not the key to adhd it’s
16:39
just something to help you right it’s
16:41
just a tool
16:42
and so
16:43
we still have
16:45
a lot of things that we forget and that
16:47
we can’t correct you know we just have
16:49
to be aware of it and so when she
16:50
forgets things like
16:52
the other day literally my husband went
16:55
to go pick up her soccer bag from her
16:57
dad’s house
16:59
she gets back to the house and her
17:00
cleats aren’t in the bag so then we have
17:02
to go back to the house to go get it and
17:05
this just happened yesterday this is
17:07
i mean but it’s constant and so we both
17:09
are like aware of that and say it’s okay
17:12
because we both have adhd we both are
17:14
forgetting things and we can commiserate
17:16
together so
17:18
it definitely has brought us closer i
17:20
look back on it now and i’m very
17:22
thankful that i was diagnosed later in
17:24
life to be able to tell her like it’s
17:26
all good you know it doesn’t mean that
17:28
there’s anything wrong with you she’s
17:30
something that we’re going to both work
17:31
on together and we laugh at each other a
17:33
lot
17:34
that’s awesome you have that little
17:35
shorthand yes we do and
17:38
we’ll be like oh my adhd is acting up
17:40
again and
17:42
she laughs and even my younger kids like
17:45
they laugh and my middle child’s very
17:47
serious and he will say does it make you
17:50
sad that you have adhd and that you
17:52
forget everything
17:55
and i’m like no
17:57
i’m like because i forget sometimes that
17:59
i have adhd so no i know it doesn’t make
18:03
me sad
18:06
lacey it was so nice to have you here
18:07
seriously so much fun to talk to i
18:09
relate to so much of your story thanks
18:11
for coming by same likewise it was so
18:14
nice to talk to someone that relates to
18:16
everything that i’m going through so
18:17
thank you for having me and letting me
18:19
be a part of your podcast
18:21
[Music]
18:25
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18:28
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18:30
listen and subscribe to adhd aha on
18:33
apple spotify or anywhere you get your
18:35
podcasts and if you like what you heard
18:37
today tell someone about the show we
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rely on listeners like you to reach and
18:41
support more people
18:43
and if you want to share your own aha
18:44
moment email us at
18:47
adhdaha understood.org
18:50
i’d love to hear from you you can go to
18:52
u.org
18:53
adhd aha to find details on each episode
18:57
and related resources that’s the letter
18:59
u as an understood dot o r g slash adhd
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aha understood as a non-profit and
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social impact organization
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we have no affiliation with
19:10
pharmaceutical companies
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learn more at understood.org
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mission
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adhd aha is produced by jessamine mali
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say hi jessamine hi everyone justin d
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wright created our music seth melnick
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and brianna berry are our production
19:27
directors scott cochier is our creative
19:29
director
19:30
and i’m your host laura key editorial
19:33
director at understood thanks so much
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for listening
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[Music]
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you

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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The post ADHD, Oversharing, and Mom Guilt With Lacey [Video] appeared first on The Good Men Project.