Teachers have extremely difficult jobs. The task of molding students into well-informed, productive citizens is a great deal of responsibility, and educators are rarely appreciated enough for all the work they do. One aspect of the job that isn’t often discussed is how professional they must remain when students do and say ridiculous things.

3 months ago, a member of the Ask Reddit community reached out to pose the question, “Teachers, what was hilarious at the time that you absolutely 100% could not laugh at?” The responses are flooded with times teachers had to stifle laughter to stay professional and protect students' feelings, but thankfully, we don’t have to! We’ve compiled a list of some of the best stories for you to read and reminisce on your school days. Then if you’re interested in even more hilarious teacher tales, check out Bored Panda’s last piece on the same topic right here.

#1

I asked my kindergartners if anyone knew what a period was (while teaching sentence punctuation) and one boy enthusiastically says “yeah, my mom has them in the bathroom!!”

Image credits: mrs_chanandlerr_bong

The experience of teaching can be vastly different depending on the school, the age group and the subject being taught. I actually have taught many theatre and art classes for ages ranging from 5-14, so I have made many observations about students. One thing to know is that their level of sweetness tends to dissipate as they get older, and their level of sass tends to exponentially increase with age. Young children are so confident when trying new things and much less scared of failure than older students. Once kids reach their pre-teen and teen years, they often develop debilitating insecurities and become embarrassed easily. Yet somehow they still have the energy to make fun of teachers to try to seem cool…

Many of the stories on this list come from children who are still young enough that curiosity just flows freely out of their mouths without any second thoughts of judgment. And while it’s wonderful that these teachers were able to keep their composure enough to respond to students’ questions and concerns professionally, I’m also glad we now get to enjoy these stories. And remember, there is no such thing as a stupid question. 

#2

I used to teach English to Korean kids. They had to do some writing and one wrote about their pet cat. The family called it pussy. The whole piece was about how much his dad likes pussy.

Image credits: Stowford164

Considering how difficult their jobs are, I think teachers deserve to be in a classroom full of tiny stand-up comedians each day. Insider published a piece in 2019 titled “Public-school teachers reveal the 7 hardest things about their job”, and it certainly helps those of us with other professions understand the challenges of teaching. One difficulty many teachers note is the emotional burden of being a teacher. Sometimes, teachers spend more hours in a day with students than their own parents do. So when kids are dealing with a lot at home, teachers are often their only sources of emotional support. One teacher told Insider, “We expect them to come to school and behave a certain way and focus on very abstract things, but many of them are living with so much stress and trauma. For some students, school is the safest, sanest place in their life."

#3

5 year old starts randomly bawling. Quite concerned, I rush over and ask what's wrong. She holds up a single hair and says her hair is falling out and she's going bald. I had to explain that hair falls out naturally but new hair takes it's place.

Image credits: snoobsnob

#4

Kids were on laptops and one group was talking about life of Brian and of course biggus d**kus.

Kid 1 "Google it, Google it, it's really funny!"

Kid 2 "But won't it be rude?"

Kid 1 "no, it's old and funny and no swearing so it's fine"

A few seconds later manic screaming from kid 2. He had instead googled big d**k. We all had a good laugh at his misfortune in the staff room.

Image credits: garrywarry

Teachers also note dealing with difficult parents as another challenge of the job. Parents often deny that their kids would misbehave in class and sometimes blame the teachers. Standardized tests are another factor that puts pressure on educators. Curriculums are based around standardized tests, which limit teachers’ freedom in their own classrooms. “I would have to say that the most frustrating part of teaching would be all of the testing," one elementary school teacher told Insider. "It won't let kids be kids and it seems as if you are always doing it." These exams put pressure on students as well, having the power to hold kids back a year if they don’t perform well on the tests.

#5

Field trip instructor. I was leading a discussion on food chains with some 4th graders and asked what we call animals that only eat plants.

The answer I got was virgins.

Edit: I heard a lot of funny things in that job. The other funniest one was when I was going over cardinal directions with 2nd graders. I had them all chanting "never eat soggy waffles" or "sour worms" or whatever they liked to say, and just as they all quiet down one of them says "never eat Santa's wife".

That was the only time in 7 years working with kids that I completely lost it in front of a classroom, children teachers and parents. It took me about 30 seconds to regain composure, and even then I kept cracking up through the rest of the lesson. The kids thought it was funny because it was silly, the parents knew why I really thought it was so funny.

Image credits: Evolving_Dore

#6

I was substitute teaching a middle school gym class, and some kid got hit in the nuts with a soccer ball.

I had another student tell me he was the alpha male of my classroom.

Image credits: SecondHandSlows

Lastly, teachers tend to be overworked and underpaid. Grading papers and making lesson plans are just a couple examples of teachers’ responsibilities that often can’t be accomplished during the time they are actually in the classroom. And teachers receive notoriously low salaries. One teacher from Virginia told Insider, “The last time I checked, we are ranked 38th in the nation when it comes to teacher pay. My district froze my steps for seven years when the Great Recession hit. I should be making at least $12,000 to $15,000 more today based on the scale that I agreed to when I first started teaching. Instead, all we get are 1% or 2% raises here and there. I had to short sell my house, which was extremely difficult on my children." Though they love their students, teachers should be valued and cherished by their communities. That should start with receiving proper compensation.

#7

I’m a history teacher. We were looking in the textbook at a section on the founding fathers. Several of them had their own subheadings and a little paragraph about them. Like this:

George Washington (1732-1799)

Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

Benjamin Franklin (1707-1790)

I then have a student raise their hand and ask, completely serious, “If you call these numbers, do they still work?”

She thought their birth and death dates were their phone numbers. I teach high school, the class lost their s**t, and it took everything in me to keep a straight face.

Image credits: snapdown91

#8

I had a kid who got extremely angry because I told him that he couldn’t do something (don’t remember what). He started stomping and screaming and became so angry that he dropped his pants and stood there in his underwear glaring at me. I wanted to laugh so bad but it would have just pissed him off more and that would not have helped the situation.

Image credits: talibob

#9

When I taught first grade kid #1 says kid #2 said the B word. I inquired what was the B word? Kid #1 says Bagina.

Had to clench my teeth together to keep from laughing.

Image credits: CA_catwhispurr

Being a teacher isn’t all bad though. While it is not the path for everyone, being an educator can be extremely rewarding. One of the main reasons most teachers pursued the career in the first place is because they are passionate about making a difference in the lives of others. While every young person passes through the school system, teachers have amazing opportunities to demonstrate important values and imprint lifelong knowledge into the minds of youths. I think everyone remembers an exceptional teacher they had that really inspired them or encouraged them to pursue their passions. Teachers also have the change to open students up to new perspectives that they might not be exposed to at home.   

#10

We were doing a lab testing density of objects - including wooden, rubber, and styrofoam balls.

In the middle of class a student loudly yells out, “Stop touching my balls!”

I legitimately couldn’t breathe for a minute.

Image credits: AJEstes

#11

I used to supervise kids.
One time I saw a tiny little kid go full sprint, probably 15 yard sprint across the field, and he attempted to drop kick this one behemoth of a kid.
Sprinter kid looked like he tried drop kicking a brick wall. Behemoth kid looked like a fly just landed on him.
I wish I got it on video.

Image credits: lBreadl

#12

Teacher hears a girl's phone vibrating in her purse and says "I hope that is a phone." Teacher walks another two steps and realizes what she just said. Class erupts in laughter.

Image credits: anon

According to the University of Kansas, another perk of becoming a teacher is the variety each day includes. Rather than simply sitting at a desk and typing on a computer, teachers get to really interact with students and provide a space for new ideas and creativity to flourish. Even if a teacher is dedicated to one topic, each class will share different ideas and perspectives. Compared to many other jobs, teachers get to see a wide variety of people each day and form relationships with them. Seeing students experience “lightbulb moments” and watching their progress throughout a semester are great motivators for many educators.

#13

Two 8-year-olds got into a tiff. Kid #1 got mad at kid #2. In typical 8-year-old fashion, kid #1 told kid #2, “I’m not your friend any more and you’re not invited to any more of my birthday parties.” Kid #2 responded, “I only went to your party for the cake.”

Image credits: Aprils-Fool

#14

The time a fourth grader asked me to show him my dong. Loudly. In front of his entire class.

I’m a music teacher. And a female. He meant he wanted to see a gong.

Image credits: urbancowgirl42

#15

We were playing a phonics game. There were two teams; one person from each team had to say a rhyming word of the word that I said. I said “pick”, a student said “d**k”. I’m thankful the rest of the class didn’t know what that was.

Image credits: uwubutcuter

Some other perks of being a teacher are the job security and vacations. Well-trained and qualified teachers are always in high demand, and as the University of Kansas mentions, mobility in the field is also common. One can begin as a teacher and work their way up to an administrative position or even a social worker, if those paths seem more appealing. Those who work in schools are also provided excellent vacation times, usually with a significant chunk off in the summer months and a gap over the holidays as well. Being able to take time off provides educators with opportunities for rest and to enjoy some quality time with loved ones.

#16

Subbing a Jr. High class during the late 80's during a big anti drug time. Kids were given a red ribbon that said Drug Free and some students rubbed off the F and r and it looked like Drug ee. All I could say was that they were very creative.

#17

After school program staff here. Keep in mind this is a middle school. One day a student was standing next to me as I was taking attendance. Usually I had my kids line up on the basketball court while I did this. When I finished I turned to the kid and said "Let's roll." And started walking. As I approached my line I heard him yell behind me. I turned to see him ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LIKE A ROTISSERIE HOTDOG. He looked up at me with the most stern face and said "You said to roll!" Why yes ...yes I did Daniel.

#18

My partner worked in a school and was teaching Sex Ed and wet dreams and one kid seemed panicked. She asked if he was ok and he said "So is sperm coming out of me all the time?"

It’s long been known that children are innate comedians. Just look at the success of the 1990’s television show Kids Say The Darndest Things, which featured a host posing questions about life topics to children and the kids sharing their own creative (and unintentionally hilarious) perspectives. Perhaps part of the reason we find children so funny, when they are just sharing their thoughts, is because they repeat what they hear adults say. Certain things just are a lot less funny when coming out of the mouths of grown ups. For example, one time when I was babysitting a 4-year-old girl, we started jumping on her trampoline. She was having a great time, so she told me, “Wow! I haven’t had this much fun in years!” …..Well, yeah. “You’ve only been alive for 4, and I doubt you remember the first 2 very well,” I thought. But I found her hilarious, and she was only sharing a sincere thought. 

#19

Student - Alaska is a state? Are you sure? It doesn’t even touch the states…

Me - Yes, I’m sure.

Student - I need to look this up to be sure.

Me - You really don’t, but go ahead.

Student 2 - wait, states don’t have to touch? Does that mean Hawaii is a state.

Student 3 - What about New Mexico?

I teach high school.

#20

Not me but my wife. She had a special needs kid in her 5th grade class that had underdeveloped limbs. They showed a documentary about Chernobyl and they got to a part discussing the physical deformities caused by radiation. Another boy looks at the screen, then at the kid, then back to the screen and according to my wife "you could see the wheels turning in his head". He turns back to the kid and says "[Name], were you born in Chernobyl?"

She knew it was incredibly mean and hurtful, but she had to suppress a laugh simply because of how it played out.

#21

A meeting with me and the Head of Year, meeting with a boy and his mother (a African evangelical Christian)

Head of Year: “I’m afraid your son has been looking at gay pornography in lesson”

Mother: “He is a victim, he clicked on it accidentally, he didn’t mean to”

HoY: “He clicked it on it accidentally on 8 separate occasions?”

Me: “…..”

Children acting like adults is extremely entertaining to us for some reason. Their minds can be so powerful; kids really are smarter than they often get credit for. Yet sometimes their lack of life experience is adorably hilarious. Similar to the American show Kids Say The Darndest Things, there is another popular Japanese show featuring hilarious kids that’s been running since the early 90’s. The hit show is called Old Enough!, and the basic premise is producers tasking toddlers with “grown-up activities” like running errands, grocery shopping, riding on public transit, etc. and leaving them alone to embark on the activities on their own. Camera crews are secretly filming the children, and producers are going to great lengths behind the scenes to ensure the safety of participants. But the final product is a hilariously entertaining show.  

#22

Jerry, in kindergarten stuck his hand into his pants, dug around a bit, and whooped out a chunk of brownish paste-like substance. He admired it holding it in his hand during coloring time. Before I could react to it, he then proceeded to stuff as much of it as he could in his mouth.

Turns out that he loves smuggling peanut butter in his pants. This was also before the movie Training Day.

#23

Time was up for a test and I had to collect them. Cue 11th grade girl start yelling "no wait, I'm almost done. I'm coming, I'm coming!"

#24

First grader wrote: I want to be an astronaut because you get to sit upside down.

The stars of Old Enough! are incredibly young, ranging from two to four years old at the time of filming. The first episode, which aired in 1991, featured a 2-year-old named Hiroki being sent by his mother to a local supermarket to purchase fish cakes, curry and a bouquet of flowers. Somehow, he completes the task and is brimming with pride in the end. One of viewers’ favorite aspects of the show is the huge increase in confidence the children receive after being able to successfully accomplish jobs they previously imagined were only for adults.

#25

Two middle school boys came to to me to tell me they were calling themselves “eunuchs”. Startled I just asked “excuse me?”
They went on to explain that eunuch was short for “unique”. So I wrote the word down on a piece of paper and told them to go look it up in the dictionary and suggested they not call themselves that out loud anymore.
So they go to the dictionary, find the word and very loudly ask “what’s castrated mean?”
After they looked it up they couldn’t look me in the face for a couple days but it was my favorite day ever.

#26

Just today a kid wrote in his journal he likes to eat beavers. We’re learning about Lewis and Clark.
And there was the a kid got decked, deserved it (grabbing girls butts) and I had to be serious and advocate non-violence.

#27

Not me, but a friend teaching pronouns using brother and sister.

He asked the kid: "do we use 'he' or 'she' for 'brother'".

After a good while, the kid answered: "how am I supposed to know, i'm an only child!"

Despite how much children learn from adults, I think we can learn a thing or two from them too. Their unbridled curiosity and lack of fear are wonderful character traits to have, even if they do lead to hilarious situations for their elders. Enjoy the rest of these comically innocent quotes from students, and don't forget to upvote your favorite stories. Then let us know in the comments if you have any personal stories of your own children or children you've taught being unintentional comedians!

#28

I used to tutor math in an after school learning center. We had one kid who was just horribly behaved. He was always acting out, looking for attention, trying to get other kids to laugh, never doing his work, etc.

One day, his mom was a bit late to pick him up. We had some math-related games for kids to play while they waited to get picked up, since this was pretty common. This kid grabbed a game that had money, and started making it rain, and was singing, "Imma make it rain. Imma steal yo girl. Imma make it rain. Imma steal yo girl."

We had to yell at him because we needed to discourage this bad behavior. But after we closed up, the other instructors and I were busting up.

#29

I had instructed my college students to use Word to do some free writing (no prompt, you’re just supposed to record your thoughts). After struggling a bit, one student blurted out: “This is just a blank page! Where are the instructions?”

#30

Preschool teacher. 4yr old boy says he will NEVER wear "girl colors". I calmly ask him if purple is a girl color. He says yes, very proud to be a "boy color" only kind of kid. I then ask what color his shirt is. Cue shocked Pikachu face as the horror creeps in, gasp! He is wearing his favorite shirt and it's PURPLE!

#31

The time a child told me how they caught their dad trying to 'kill' his mum by squishing her - naked... And then told dad that he told me this... Dad was a very formal, business only type of man. He was so worried he then tried to tell me what was actually going on! I was quick but polite in saying 'That's okay, I understand' - and then dying of laughter in the bathroom a few minutes later.

#32

High school. We have a class that creates the advertisements for the digital bulletin boards in the commons area. One of the students created one for a soccer game that said “Kick (insert school we were to play)’s a$$”. Right before parent teacher conferences.

#33

Not a teacher but I had some kossovo and bengali kids in the comunity where I work. I was teaching my mother language to these boys and between the two ethnic groups a lot happened.
First things first, I'm an italian dude and in my language if you want to say curve, speaking about a road, you say "curva". Which, I discovered some time during my teen years, in most of slavic languages means "whore". So I was speaking with this kossovo guy and when, for an example, I used the word "curva" he started laughing soo hard. Meanwhile saying it my brain managed to keep a partition still working and in the fraction of second that took me to find another example i was already too deep in to this one to turn back. So I went with it and knowing what was going to happen I managed not to start laughing at my self.

Then another funny story happened with a bengali guy. Always italian class and we were speaking about food. To say bread in italian you say "pane" which, unfortunately, is very similar to "pene" which is the italian word for penis. When the bengali guy asked me how much "pene" I eat every day he didn't know what was happening and this time I didn't have that partition of brain working with me and I crushed in a laugh so hard.

It's funny to work in social services

#34

I’d let my 9th graders draw on the board for a minute before class let out. They were all chuckling one day as they left so I was sure they’d left a hell of a present. Sure enough, the most beautiful drawing of a marbled salamander doing the philosoraptor pose with the caption in cursive, “do salamanders eat a*s?”

It was honestly a beautiful, anatomically accurate drawing. I just erased the caption and wrote “bruh” instead and left it for the next day

#35

Teaching kindergarten. Overheard a pair of my students talking during snack:
Kid 1: hey guess what?
Kid 2: what?
Kid 1: my grandpa died.
Kid 2: well, I have a million of grandpas who died!

It was so absurd I just had to rest my head against the board for a couple moments.

(The kids worked it out just fine, kid 1 wasn't even really upset. She just said, "oh. Well I only have one and I miss him." And kids 2 was just like "oh. Sorry." And then they went back to eating their apple sauce. Kindergarteners are truly something.)

#36

Yesterday, when a boy in my class finished last in a spelling b and was understandably upset. A girl in the class who has some real problems, turns around to him and deadpan looks into his eyes and says 'you're a disappointment'.

Sounds mean but I found it so harsh that inside i was laughing

#37

I was on cafeteria duty in my high schooland one table was starting to throw stuff so I went over to tell them to stop. They did, but to be annoying, they started pretending to throw stuff.

I gave them a look and they started pointing at a girl at their table who was just quietly eating her lunch, shouting "she's throwing stuff! Kick her out of here!"

Before I could say tell her that I obviously know she wasn't doing anything, she stands up indignantly and says "no! I'm just SITTING here, trying to EAT MY SALAD!"

She just sounded so offended at being accused, she was so indignant. I lost it, to the point where I had to walk away because I was laughing so hard. The kids were like "Um, is he ok? I think we broke him." By the time I regained my composure, I just walked back and told her that I know she didn't do anything.

Sometimes she'll still come up to me in the halls and be like "hey Mr. G, guess what I have for lunch? I'm gonna be sitting there, trying to eat my salad!"

#38

I was a phlebotomy instructor (sorry not a “teacher teacher”) and one of my students(fresh outta hs) was practicing on an elderly patient and he asked her if she was going to take all of his blood. She responded quite joyfully “yes, I’m gonna suck you dryyy!” The old man got the funniest surprised look on his face and I about lost it but somehow kept it together. Oh man, the look in her face and the 50 shades of red she turned after she realized how that came across….absolutely priceless. Will never forget that

Image credits: Secret_Squirrel97

#39

Not a teacher, but I was a summer camp counselor a few years ago. One night while we were trying to get the kids into bed, one of them came out of the bathroom shirtless after taking a shower and then discovered that he could stick baseball cards to his nipples. So of course he had to show this off to everyone else in the room and get his friends to start doing it.

Image credits: ZTH-Yankee

#40

Had a child wandering round the class room holding something to his chest, all the children were laughing. Asked him to turn around.

He had a piece of paper with 2 nipples drawn it and was holding it to his chest like they were his actual nipples. That took a lot of restraint not to laugh out loud at, but I gave him the usual speech of it not being appropriate.

The next day he did the exact same thing with a drawing of a belly button instead. That time I did laugh.

#41

I used to teach 3rd graders (non-native English), and one time one of them ran up to me to tattle on his classmate and said "Teacher, Teacher, Tunwa just said 'F**K YOU!'!!", so Tunwa, who was running behind him goes "No teacher, no!! I only said 'F**K' I didn't say *looks around and starts to whisper* '...you...'"

I was like, "No, no! That's not the bad word, it's the other one!", but I was dying, I had to turn around and go laugh behind a corner.

Image credits: nickbkk

#42

I have a girl who’s mom died when she was very little. She brings it up often and I always try to be supportive of her and her pain. It is valid. And it’s f****n sad

However there’s another girl in my class who is friends with her. And every so often Susie will say “my moms dead” in this very factual way and I’ll hear Laurie just sigh “ oh Jesus” and every single time that happens I physically have to not laugh out loud. Like clamp my mouth shut. Lucky I wear a mask because the exhausted way in which she says that is just goddamn hilarious

Image credits: jiji_r

#43

I was helping a third grader who didn't want to work on his subtraction of three digit numbers that required borrowing. I told him, "Fine. Never learn to do this. Then I'm going to open a store that sells things you absolutely love, and when you give me your money, I'll just randomly hand you back change that is less than you should actually get because you can't do the math to figure it out...so I'll just take all your money."
He looked at me dead in the eyes for a few seconds before stating, "That's b******t."
I had to hold back laughter for about a good 20 seconds before I could reply, "You're right, so learn to do addition and subtraction and you won't have to worry about it."

Image credits: DawgHogger33

#44

Dance teacher here: one of my students came up to me and was like, “miss I have really bad camel toe. I have to sit out”. I was so confused but she was holding onto her leg…she meant Charlie horse.

Image credits: Informal-Peace4444

#45

My first year teaching, I was going over the parts of a parabola. So I had my boring ole parabola up and I drew a dot at the vertex. Some kid goes, "that is the easy one to remember, it's the nipple of the titty."

I had to keep facing the board for a bit so push back the smile.

Unrelated note, this is the exact thing my classes learned about this week. And I can't look at a parabola anymore without seeing a droopy boob.

Image credits: Makenshine

#46

I teach middle school intensive sped.
Girl 1 is very loud with behavior issues and is verbally mean towards other kids. Girl 2 was telling me about how she was mad once and used bad words and her mom washed her mouth out with soap. She said "if girl 1 doesn't change then she has soap coming to her".

It was the funniest thing.

#47

I’m an art teacher. A 4th grader was casually painting as I walk by his seat. We make eye contact and he says to me “ya know Ms. Racer, once you do black you can’t go back”. I just stated blankly at him for a moment and said “what do you mean?”. He held up his brush that he had been trying to clean in his paint water cup. “Once you do black your brush is too dark for other colors”

#48

I taught at an inner city high school under an extremely unpleasant principal. He was petty, unbelievably rude, and unprofessional to students and teachers alike. He would literally yell at teachers, often over simple misunderstandings. After one year of working with him, he and his wife went through a foreclosure on their McMansion that was published in the local newspaper. Since faculty and staff all hated him, we smugly gossiped to each other about it, but obviously never said anything to him.

The same week the foreclosure was published, a big fight between two students broke out in the cafeteria during my lunch duty. The principal helped break it up, then screamed at the student who started the fight in front of everyone in the cafeteria, “That’s it! You’re expelled! I’m throwing you out.”

The student snapped back, “You ain’t doing s**t. You can’t even pay the note on your house!”

#49

Oh man, I was the kid and it was like 18 years ago and I STILL cringe/laugh at myself.

We had to pick stories to read out loud in front of the class, and I picked this cute one about Candy Stripers. You know, volunteers for hospitals..

My dumb kid a*s kept reading out loud MULTIPLE TIMES “And when I grow older, I want to be a candy stripper!”

I can still hear my teacher wheezing with a red face in the back of the classroom hahaha. For the life of me at the time, I could NOT figure out why she kept laughing. But as an adult it kills me.

#50

One child called another "li'l hot dog" and the victim was utterly distraught.

I somehow managed to convince him I was crying because it's such a mean thing to call someone.

#51

I teach English to Japanese kids, alongside a native Japanese teacher, and one day they asked me the English word for 白菜 (hakusai), which I now know is like, Chinese cabbage or napa cabbage, but I didn't know at the time and ended up using google translate on the big PC screen in the front of the class. For some reason, the English traslation came up as "white rape" (???) and I guess the Japanese teacher mistook my baffled reaction as an inability to prounce the word or something, because before I knew it he hit the lil audio button and "white rape" was being spoken aloud to the whole class. It was such a surreal moment and I was the only one in the room that could appreciate the absurdity. I had to just play it off like, "Uhhhh, nope, that's not it! Let's uhh, let's just move on..." Pretty sure that memory will be in my life review when I die.

#52

Was an intern history teacher, had to teach a class about classical greek art; Kouros and Kouré statues. I was being graded and observed at the time by 2 different people, the actual history teacher and my own professor.

A 13 something year old girl then asks me why the penis on the male statue is so small. I keep a straight face and explain about the golden ratio and how they depict the 'perfect body'. She then argues that that isn't a perfect body, but that she has never seen such a small penis and that it therefor must be a mistake on the sculptor's end.

I told her that as a male I could decisively say that this was a perfectly normal sized penis and that whatever her sources were, she shouldn't accept them as a correct respresentation of reality.

I am sorry, it wasn't that funny. A bit sad really. This was 20 years ago.

#53

While I was working in a very urban area in a therapeutic day school, we had a speaker come in who was a very small Caucasian woman. One of my students (sophomore, black). Asked her "can you help us get bitches? And where yo lips at?".

I had to walk out of the room. Lol

#54

My mom teaches at a children's art school and she told me that years ago when the Deadpool movie came out a bunch of her younger kids had gone to see the movie (parents likely assumed it was just a typical superhero flick) and were drawing Deadpool inspired art.

#55

A first grade boy called me “Toots.”

#56

don't know how my teacher kept a straight face on this tbh....
history teacher would always say "let's get quizzical" when we had a quiz.
one day we had a test so my friend raised his hand "oh Mr m don't you mean 'let's get testical'?"
teacher just said " you can do that on your own time Brian" as our 8th grade class lost our s**t.

#57

Fifth grader told me he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up so he could "make babies". I changed the subject.

#58

I was helping kids w severe behavioral challenges in an elementary school. I cared a lot about all of them. I had this one 7 year old that was intellectually about 3 or 4 years old. And he sadly heard somewhere about unaliving so he kept threatening to do so. It was actually super sad and concerning. So I dont want to downplay that. But you know, kids are just kids and they do funny stuff. One day i had him in my room and he was having a really big meltdown, and he went over to an empty tote that was on a shelf and put his head below the shelf level. And he stared at me and started inching the empty (and very light and harmless) tote toward his head with very serious eyes like "Im gonna do it. I am going to crush my own head in front of you". It was one of those things where a stressful situation just suddenly becomes too hilarious and you shouldnt laugh and then it makes you want to laugh even more

#59

In a freshmen history class you hear a lot of cursing. I usually let it go but if I heard “f**k” too loudly I would call them out and make them give me another word instead. This kid looked at me totally panicked for several seconds before loudly blurting out “BISCUITS!” The whole class got a kick out it and the rest of the year they used the word biscuits in place of various curse words. They got very creative lol.

#60

I taught middle school band. My student came to me to let me know he couldn’t find the bong.

When I asked if he meant the GONG he totally realized what he had said and his face got so red

#61

During my training year, I was hearing a girl read and she was reading The Curious Incident and when she came across the word ‘f**k’ really quietly said to me I know that’s a word I shouldn’t say and skipped over it. She kept on reading confidently heading straight onto the next page and basically shouted the word c**t out in complete innocent bliss.

#62

A bee flew into the classroom during student presentations. One guy grabbed his textbook and squashed the bee, somewhat overdramatically. The next student's presentation: Saving the Bees.

#63

The poor little kid who pissed his pants absolutely soaked while standing there holding the bathroom door open but refusing to go in.

I absolutely had and showed him compassion for his difficult situation. He was a brand new kindergartener, and apparently afraid to go in the bathroom by himself? (You do see some odd quirks with new kindergartners sometimes, quirks that you imagine that their parents have probably just put up with at home up to this point.) Just put yourself in his shoes for a moment, and that really is a nasty conundrum!

But on a different level in my brain, the whole thing was so incredibly stupid as to be absolutely hilarious. I had to excuse myself from the scene for a few minutes to go and get my laughter out, once the crisis was dealt with.

#64

Turkish student wrote me a piece about dogs. At one point, he *meant* to say that sometimes, people keep dogs in their garden. He wrote "sometimes people are dogging in your garden."

In my f*****g garden! I died.

#65

I mean I was an instructor in the Army I don’t know if that counts, but one of the privates I had in my class had the last name “Shart”. God damn it was so hard to keep it together at times.

#66

Not a teacher. All names changed for privacy reasons.

In high school we had one kid, let's call him Tony. Tony was your typical emo kid, but one time he came to class stoned out of his goddamn mind. I'm talking your stereotypical bloodshot eyes, cagey anxious, reeks of pot kind of stoned. He sits down, and I just look at him, shake my head, and whisper "dude, are you serious?"

He immediately realises that its plain as day, and kinda pathetically whines "please don't tell Mr. Andrews".

Now, Mr. Andrews was a former decently high ranking military officer who turned to teaching WWII history and Civics. Awesome dude, sharp as a tack. He was the kind of teacher that would go the extra mile to help you with anything, so long as you kept it straight with him. Amazing sense of humour.

Anyway, Mr. Andrews walks into class, and his eyes furrow, and its obvious he can smell the pot emanating from poor Tony, but plays it cool. Mr. Andrews isn't stupid, and knows what some teens gets up to. Unless you're rude with him, he'll enact his punishments by playing mind games.

He called on Tony for every single damn question he was asking the class, doing his best not to smile too much, and we were ALL collectively holding in our laughter.

Poor Tony was a deer in headlights. It was beautiful to watch.

Eventually, it's near the end of class, and Mr. Andrews is wrapping up the day's lesson, and turns to face the class, looking at Tony.

"Now, I know we've all had a bunch of fun today, but I want to make it abundantly clear. I get it, I was your age too, and I'm not going to lie and say that I'm immune from the allure of a nice relaxing evening every so often. "

He also pulled Tony aside after class and apparently told him that school rules mean he has to report it to the school resource officer by the end of the day, and that it would be very unfortunate for there to be any evidence of his wrongdoing in his locker.


Love that teacher.

Edit: fixed names

#67

Student 1: What's your opinion on the Oxford comma?

I check the sentence in question.


Me: Use it


Student 2: Where is it? It's not on my keyboard!


Another day a student needs to plug in their laptop. I have my back turned, and all I hear is:

push it in deeper! You have to push it harder so it'll go deeper!


I had to walk out of the room

#68

My mom was a secretary at a public elementary school for many years and heard many things. One of my favorites was when the cafeteria was evidently serving some nasty looking food one day… a young maybe 10 year old boy went through the line and when he finally got to the end he turned to the kid next to him and said “I can’t eat this f*cling sh!t”. ???????

#69

Had a kid once ask me if I'd travelled a lot.

"Yes Phoebe I have".

"Have you ever been to Viagra Falls?"

"..."

Phoebe was 15 at the time. She never lived it down.

God I hope she reads this.

#70

Made a Blooket for my fourth graders to play. One of the students names was UrMomDotCom

#71

I had a Chinese student repeatedly pronounce "micro - organism" as micro - orgasm. I just about pissed myself every time.

#72

I was told just the other week “Miss Teacher we don’t have time for this!!” in a totally earnest voice. By a two year old. ‘This’ was me washing my hands before I served her breakfast.

#73

Just the other day. Teaching kids about homeostasis and asked them what your body does when it’s cold. One of the boys shouted that your balls get sucked back up into your body. Tried not to laugh and had to yell at him that it was inappropriate

#74

I had a kid who set his name on Kahoot! to PunishTube.

I’m not going to lie...I still cracked a smile.

#75

I work with kindergarten kids and it's a daily struggle hearing these tiny innocent voices curse in complete context to whatever they are doing, or the mispronounced words are always great.

#76

I work in a school for Autistic children in kindergarten.

One little boy is an absolute evil genius. He gets up to the absolute BEST mischief I have ever seen, but we are not supposed to react to him or it will just encourage him. Highlights include:

-Flushing things down the toilet while saying, in a totally dead-pan voice, "Bye bye."

-Throwing things and grinning when he breaks something. Sometimes even Bragging that he broke it.

-Figuring out how to get into storage rooms and run amok through them. I sent him home with a dead spider in his hair that day. Oh well.

I also kinda low-key love it when the kids dole out their own justice. Like, if "John" is stealing everyone's food and "Jack" smacks him across the face for it before I can stop them. I will always TRY to stop them, but.... I still like it when they do it themselves. Food and toy boundaries are always being sorted out.

#77

A yr 7 pupil called me a “stupid pathetic rat faced c**t b***h”.
While I was stood there in absolute shock one of the sweet girls in the class patted me on the arm and said “that’s probably the most adjectives he’s ever used in a sentence miss!”

Edit: for the person who asked for context, I’d said “good morning! Do you want to come in and sit down?” As he was new to our English class. He replied with the above and threw a chair across the room… still the best insult I’ve ever got.