10 Simple Ways To Support Your Kid’s Emotional Development

If you walked into a library recently, you must have noticed the vast bookshelves full of parenting books. I am happy that nowadays parents have access to valuable information about child development and parenting advice. Maybe now can move past the common misconception that you should not respond immediately to a crying kid, otherwise he will grow up spoiled, or using punishment as a way to discipline a kid. However, the sheer amount of information available is overwhelming. Not to talk about the fact that some parenting books recommend questionable practices and present theories as facts. Where are you supposed to begin?

Let’s cover our basis with 10 simple things to keep in mind as a parent, that you can start implementing today:

1. Naps and snacks, two of my favorite words. A rested kid is a calm kid. Making sure that your child takes a nap during the day will save you a lot of headaches. A preschool-age child needs between 10 and 13 hours of sleep per day, and a school-age child needs between 9 and 11 hours of sleep. I know that putting children for a nap during the day is an uphill battle for many parents. During college, I worked as an assistant kindergarten teacher. One of my daily tasks was to put 22 children for a nap every day. I know… To date, I view getting sane through that as one of my most prized accomplishments. In my experience, having a down-patted routine before sleep, blackout curtains, and scheduling a nap at the same time every day is the most successful strategy. The same goes for snacks. We all know that a hungry child is slowly transforming into someone else, and the combination of a tired and hungry kid is deadly.
2. Be aware of your child’s emotions and reflect them to him. If your child is excited about something reflect that to him: You are thrilled to go ice skating today! The same goes for more unpleasant emotions. If your kid is frustrated because he, for example, accidentally knocked over his cube tower, acknowledge his feeling: That accident made you frustrated. You worked so hard to build it. Do you need my help?
3. Be open to soothe and comfort your child, especially when he is upset. Children can test the limit of your patience very often. Shaming your child for having negative emotions like anger, frustration, fear, and others will make him refrain from expressing similar feelings in the future. But here is the thing, those emotions will not disappear just because they are not allowed to be shown. They will come out somehow, most frequently through somatization, and act out behaviors. You aim to teach your child how to deal with difficult emotions, not to hide them.
4. Be aware of your own emotions. Children resonate profoundly with the emotional state of significant adults in their life. You will notice that your kid will become fussier and will have a bad mood too when you are angry, frustrated, or just tired. You should communicate your emotional state to your child “Mommy is tired” or “Mommy is angry” That sends the message that is ok to have bad moments and be upset. It is also a perfect opportunity to model appropriate ways to deal with a negative emotion for your child.
5. Set rules around behaviors. Acknowledging all of your child’s emotions does not mean letting him express them however he wants to. Set some specific behavior rules and be consistent with them. For example, “We don’t hit, hitting hurts” If your child is about to hit someone, gently but firmly stop him, get down at his level, and remind him of the rule. Do not scream or lecture him at the moment. He is angry and does not have the mental capacity to listen to you. If he already hit somebody, don’t hurry to lecture him. Take care of the other kid. Get some ice cubes or a bandaid, and very importantly, make him a part of taking care of the consequences of his behavior. Act the way you would want your child to act in the future when you won’t be there. Later, when everyone calmed down, talk to him about his actions and the consequences of his actions. Emphasize the negative impact that his behavior had on the other child. You can use stories to renew the conversation about ways to behave when angry. Children react very well to stories because they externalize the problem, allowing them to reflect on behaviors and acknowledge potential solutions.
6. Practice what you preach. Your behavior is going to resonate 1000 times more with your kid than what you say. If you don’t want to promote aggressive behaviors, don’t snatch a toy out of his hand and give it back to his brother to end an argument. Keep your calm. Calmly explain to your child that his brother was using that toy. He has to wait for his turn. If he refuses to give the toy back, you can gently but firmly take you out of his hand and give it back. Comfort your kid after, offer him a distraction, and if he continues to cry, be there for him. Don’t raise your voice, do not use threats or counting to three.
7. Practice, practice, and more practice. These solutions may seem overwhelming and a recipe for many tantrums, but hear me out. Learning to control one’s emotions requires exercise. Avoiding difficult situations, shucking, and jiving to avoid confronting your children with an unpleasant feeling will not help long term. Practicing and receiving constant and consistent guidance will help them interiorize behaviors and give them tools to manage emotions.
8. Take care of your mental health. If mama ain’t happy, no one is happy, and isn’t that the truth. Choose your battles. If your child wants to do something that is not that significant, let him. You will also need some time for yourself. Arrange for your husband, mother, friend, or another trustworthy adult to babysit for you for a couple of hours. Go do your shopping in peace, or drink a coffee and chat with friends. You shouldn’t feel mommy-guilt for letting your kids with someone else while you are restoring your mental health. You cannot be cool, calm, and collected if your patience is hanging from a tread.
9. Set a daily routine. Kids do well when they have a schedule because they know what is going to happen next. It makes them feel safe and secure and will also make your life easier because kids get accustomed to following a routine. That does not mean that you cannot have an exciting day or plan anything out of the ordinary. If you know your kid is sensitive about changes, the best practice is to prepare him ahead of time.
10. Make a soothing kit with some of your kids’ toys and other calming activities. Choose some sensorial toys like bubbles, weighted blankets, kaleidoscopes. They are very soothing and calming to children. Direct your child to that box when he is having a hard time. Keep in mind that when your child is having a full-blown tantrum is not the time to direct him to the calming box. You want to do that before, to avoid the tantrum, or after, to help him calm down. Keep one in your car too. Pro-tip, that way you will always have some kind of toy or activity with you to choose from when you and your child would have to wait, go for a long drive, or do some other tedious thing that requires patience your child doesn’t have.

Being a parent isn’t always easy, fun, or glamorous. Especially when dealing with big emotions, tantrums, and problem behaviors. Putting time and effort into teaching your kid to manage his emotions will be an investment that will payout in the future. Emotionally intelligent kids are more resilient, socially adapted, perform better in school, and are overall less troublesome.

I want to hear your opinion

What was the parenting advice you received that was a game-changer for you?

If you got this far, thank you very much for reading my article. I hope you find it inspiring!

Reference articles

Braet, C., Theuwis, L., Van Durme, K., Vandewalle, J., Vandevivere, E., Wante, L., … & Goossens, L. (2014). Emotion regulation in children with emotional problems. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 38(5), 493-504.

Zeman, J., Cassano, M., Perry-Parrish, C., & Stegall, S. (2006). Emotion regulation in children and adolescents. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, 27(2), 155-168.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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